CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Syndication edit

Exact broadcast date unknown. 1946, according to a reference to the year in a joke told by Peter Donald. Kirkman-sponsored episode.

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(customer, popularity, taxicabs, grammar)

CHARLIE STARK: “Can You Top This?”

PETER DONALD: I know a guy who’s got a good head on his shoulders. And it’s a different one every night.

WARD WILSON: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

WW: Can you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: I really don’t know.

WW: You don’t know. How about you, Joe Laurie?

JOE LAURIE JR: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.

CS: These guys who do a quip tease bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” And now for the man who tells you how to make dollars out of non-sense, Ward Wilson.

WW: Thank you, Charlie Stark. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is: keep them laughing. Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor and storyteller Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: Are you three witty committees ready to go to work here?

HH: Ready.

JL: Yes.

SF: Yeah, I guess so.

WW: Alright. Here we go with the first story this evening, sent in by Julia M. Dorsch of Irvington, New Jersey, and it’s on the subject of “customer.” Customer. So I’ll have to give you a little latitude in this round. Peter, suppose you serve up the first round?

PD: Well, this is about my favorite fish market over on 9^th Avenue, where all the fish markets are. This is Pasquale Lasagna’s over there. It’s a wonderful place and Pasquale’s quite a character, and you’ve probably seen their slogan on the fish store: “Salmon is red, bluefish is blue, from the sea to the nets, and from nets to you, and…” So this particular day, in walked a very ritzy lady, Mrs. VanUpsweep VanMorgage III, this one of these dames. So Pasquale saw her come in the door. He says, “Hey! Hello!” He says, “Hello!” He says, “What can I do for you?” She said, “Well, I want to buy some fish for dinner. Tell me, my good man, is your fish absolutely fresh?” He said, “Please. I don’t know he’s fresh. He don’t say nothing to me. I don’t know. He’s a fish. That’s all.Go around. Look at the fish.” So she goes around and she’s poking all the fish, you know? Finally she picks up one and Pasquale said, “Hey. Please. No squeeze the halibuts in there. Put him down.” She said, “Well, I’d like to purchase this. How much is this particular fish?” He says, “That’s seventy-five cents.” She says, “Seventy-five cents. That seems a little high. How much does it weigh?” He says, “I don’t know how much the fish weighs. Going to cost you seventy-five cents. That’s all.” She said, “My good man, you can’t do business like that. Haven’t you got any sort of a scale?” He says, “A scale? Listen, lady, I don’t sell by any scale. You got to buy the whole fish.”

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Gives you boys a little bit of a latitude there to get over the top of Miss Dorsch’s story, so let’s take a look at the hands, and Harry Hershfield looks like the first one.

HH: A fellow goes into a small town and he goes into a store to buy something. He’s an out-of-towner and he can’t see the owner of the store. Nobody’s around there. He looks around and he looks around and he can’t. Finally he goes and he hears some kind of noise in the next room. So he comes in there and he says, “Are you the proprietor?” And he says, “Yeah. Don’t bother me now.” And the proprietor is sitting at a table with a dog, and they’re both playing gin rummy, and this customer can’t believe it. He’s looking at it and this dog is playing the gin rummy and this guy’s playing the gin rummy, and finally, when the thing is all over, he says to him, “Is that dog really playing gin rummy? Is that really a dog?” He said, “Yes.” He says, “Is he really playing gin rummy?” Says, “Yeah.” Well, he says, “That’s the smartest dog I ever saw. That’s the most brilliant, smart dog I ever saw.” Says, “He ain’t so smart. I beat him four out of five games every time.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Right up at the top, topping Miss. Dorsch’s 900. She still has her ten dollars, however, and I think Joe Laurie had his hand up next.

JL: This is sort of goofy. Mrs. Rappaport goes into her favorite store, a tobacco store, and Mr. Epstein behind the counter says, “Mrs. Rappaport, I’m so happy that you come in today. An old customer like you, we got a penny sale today.” Says, “What do you mean, a penny sale?” He says, “You know the twenty-cent package of cigarettes you buy?” She says, “Yes.” Says, “If you buy two packages, it’s twenty-one cents.” She says, “Two packages for twenty-one cents?” Says, “Yeah.” Says, “Well, then give me two packages.” He says, “I’m very sorry. We only sell one per customer.”

RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Well, that did it once again, Joe, right… Also topping Miss Dorsch’s 900s, so two of you now have hit the top of the meter. How about you, Senator?

SF: Well, you know that gag that Pete told is a twist of another gag of the fellow looking at a fish and he says, “That fish weighs nine pounds,” and the other fellow says, “How do you know?” He says, “By the scales.” Well, anyway, doesn’t count. One of those fat, fussy dames went into a department store and she wanted to have the clerk show her some blankets, so he brought down all the blankets on the shelves but one, and there they were all over the counter. She couldn’t make up her mind. Finally, she says, “You know, I’m not going to buy a blanket today. I’m merely looking for a friend.” He said, “Looking for a friend? If you think your friend is hiding in that last blanket, I’d be glad to take it down for you.”

RB: You did it again, gentlemen. One thousand on the laugh meter. Another perfect round. Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, and Joe Laurie Jr will be right back after a few words from our sponsor.

WW: Get right over to round number two, and this joke was sent in by Ed Galler of New York City, and it’s on the subject of something I know you all enjoy to an extremity: popularity. Popularity, boys. And look at that denying smile on the senator. Well, Pete, I hope you come up with a lot of popularity for Mr. Galler on this story, so let her ride.

PD: This is about Gertrude Gowanas, the Greenpoint glamor girl, and she was an awful club-joiner. She was oh such a social climber. She was the Queens County Saturday Afternoon Ladies Beer and Bingo Society and the Daughters of Ebbets Field and the Veterans of Namm’s Brooklyn Bargain Basement with overseas ribbons for an afternoon in Gimbels and always she got a lot of medals all over her. So one day her friend Sadie DeKalb said, she said, “You know something, Gertrude? Really, you are very, very perplexing. You really are. Very strange. Why do you belong to all them clubs? You’re always going to meetings and everything. Why do you belong to all them clubs when you know you’re not popular with people?” She says, “Why, I certainly am popular. I certainly am. The Subway Diggers Union just made me Miss Sandhog of 1946.” Says, “I don’t know. If you think you’re so popular, why don’t you get your name in the papers once in a while like Bedelia Hammerbund does. All your other friends are names in the paper. You belong to the same clubs. Why don’t you do something to make all the officers and the members notice you, and get your name in the papers too?” Says, “Well, listen to her. My goodness sake, you’re so dumb already. I always do do something important at the meetings.” Says, “You do? You do? Well, what do you do that’s so important?” She says, “Well, every time some member gets up on the floor and makes the motion, I’m the one who seconds it.”

WW: You may second the motion, Pete, but you dropped back a hundred that time.

RB: The laugh meter registered 800 for that one, Ward.

WW: Pete is looking on both sides of the paper for the joke and can’t find it. Dropped off a hundred from the last one. All three wits have plenty of chance now, and Joe Laurie’s hand was the first to be raised.

JL: A swell-looking doll passes a couple of guys on the corner. Blonde, beautiful girl, and one guy says to the other guy, he says, “Gee, there’s a swell-looking doll, ain’t she? I bet you she’s popular in this neighborhood.” He says, “Yeah.” He says, “I know.” He says, “Charlie says she’s the most popular girl in the whole neighborhood.” Says, “Is Charlie the guy she goes with?” He says, “No, that’s her husband. Bob is the guy she goes with.” He says, “Charlie is her husband and she goes with Bob?” He says, “Yeah. That’s why Jack yells so.” He says, “Who’s Jack?” He says, “He’s the guy that’s engaged to her.”

WW: Well, you got yourself engaged to 900 that time, Joe, which tops Mr. Galler’s 800. However, he still has his ten dollars, and I think the senator had his hand up next.

SF: Well, you know how catty some women are. A couple of these gals were sitting together, and one said, “Do you know that when I was sixteen years old I won a popularity contest?” The other one said, “Gee. I didn’t know they had popularity contests during the Rutherford B. Hayes administration.” I know a girl who put a mud pack on her face and she kept it on for six months. She was more popular with it on. No good either. The jokes are not popular. Just the subject, it seems like.

WW: You better stop about there, Senator.

SF: Go ahead and get Harry on here.

WW: We backslid from 800 to 500 on the second.

SF: First one counted, then. 800.

WW: First one counted? Well, that just ties Mr. Galler’s 800, so now he has fifteen dollars. He’s doing a little bit better and you can salute Pete too. Harry, we haven’t heard from you, yet.

HH: This is a goofy one about Finnegan belonged to a lot of organizations. He had a lot of friends. He was very popular with the boys. So one day, Finnegan is dying and he calls his wife over and he says, “I’m dying. I’m dying now, so I want to leave some last instructions. They’re all going to come here, you know, for the funeral, and before they go to the funeral from the house, I want you to give them all a good, stiff drink. And when they come back to the house from the funeral, I want you to give them a triple whiskey. But, as I’m going with them and not coming back, I’d like all mine right now.”

RB: 850 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Here’s a joke sent in by Margaret Gilmore of my old hometown, Jackson Heights, Long Island, Now York, and… [applause] Oh, we have Jackson Height-ites with us, huh? This one is on something that we hear about, but they’re kind of hard to find, I understand. Taxicabs. Taxicabs. So, Peter, drive right on out with it, will you?

SF: Hard to find in one piece, anyhow.

PD: Well, this happened over in London, and there was a taxi driver over there, a little Scotsman by the name of Sandy MacGillivray, and he was having an awful day. Oh, he had a bad day and he was mumbling to himself. He said, “Oh, this is awful. Oh my, this is awful.” He says, “I’ve been out for four hours and I haven’t had a single fare. This is terrible.” And just as he said that, a gentleman came out of a very swanky club and hailed the cab. He says, “Driver, just a moment. Come here, please.” He says, “I seem to have imbibed a little too freely in my club, so will you take me home? And if you will deliver me safely at my doorstep, I shall see that you are the recipient of a very, very grand gratuity.” So Sandy says, “Come right in the cab. Come right in the cab.” He says, “Breath in my face again. Oh, that’s wonderful.” He says, “Oh, ah,” he says, “that’s like a breath of home. It’s wonderful.” He says, “Get in the cab.” He says, “You know something? It’s a blessing I was passing this way.” He says, “I’ve had an awful night. Oh, I’ve had an awful night.” He says, “Not one fare in four hours.” He says, “And what with the price of things these days, you know, and the wife and the three kids. Oh, it’s terrible. I’m just getting broke all the time.” So the man says, “Why, that’s a very, very sad story, old boy.” Says, “Wait a minute. I’ll tell you what we’ll do. This is my house right here. Let me off here. Now, I’ll take out my wallet, do you see? And I want to reward you because you brought me home safely and business is bad. Here’s ten pounds for your wife and fifteen pounds. That’s five for each of your children.” Sandy says, “Oh, thank you kindly, sir. That’s very nice of you.” And the man started to go up to the door, and all of a sudden, Sandy says, “Wait a minute, you crook! You forgot to pay your sixpence cab fare!”

WW: Well, you just forgot one hundred that time, Pete. You got a…

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: There she is for Miss Gilmore, and we’ll take a look around and Harry Hershfield’s hand is the first to arise.

HH: Jackie Miles told me a story that I liked. Ginsberg decided to become a taxi driver, so he told his friend. He said, “I’m going to be a taxi driver, boy.” Says, “You ever drive before?” Says, “What is there to drive a taxi in a big city like this? No trouble.” So the next day he meets him. He says, “Well, how is the taxi business?” Says, “Boy, I was going ninety miles an hour and I saw an open space between two cars and I went right through those two streetcars. Do you know of anybody wants to buy a tall, thin taxi?”

WW: Well, Harry, will you buy 900? Tying Miss Gilmore, but not topping her, so she now has fifteen dollars, and Joe Laurie’s hand was the second.

JL: Yeah. A fellow gets in a cab and he tells the cab driver where he wants to go, and this fellow starts off, oh starts off right in hot. He’s part on the sidewalk, part on the street and he goes, oh, on the safety zones. He’s driving all over and finally he turns the corner and this fellow can’t stand it any longer. He says, “Hey, what’s the matter with you?” He says, “You know you took that corner on sixty miles an hour on two wheels.” He said, “You belong in an insane asylum!” The guy says, “How’d you know? This s the second time I’ve escaped this month!”

RB: Up, up, up! 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Well, at least you got out with 1000, topping Miss Gilmore’s 900. However, she still holds her fifteen dollars and, Senator, you look very pensive over there.

SF: Yeah, you know those white lines they have across the street? Those are safety lanes, you know? If a cab driver hits you between the lines, it doesn’t count. Well, anyway, there was one of those fat dames. You know the… built like a Staten Island ferryboat. She was as tall east and west as she was north and south, and she’s trying to get into a cab, and she can’t quite make it. So she turns around and tries to back in, and a man standing on the sidewalk starts to laugh. She became very indignant, and she said, “If you were half a man, you’d help me.” He said, “If you were half a lady, you wouldn’t need any help.”

RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Well, you didn’t need any that time either, Senator.

RB: Don’t go away. We’ll have another round of jokes in a few moments.

WW: We’ll get back to the business of jokes once again with your permission, fellows. Here’s one sent in by Stanley Gus of the Bronx, New York, and this one… [applause] Bronx well-represented too. This is one that should interest Joe quite a little. It’s on the subject of grammar. Grammar.

JL: Grandma? I like all my relations.

WW: No relation to Cranver either.

HH: Anything over two syllables he thinks is code!

WW: Well, Pete, let’s see how much sense you can make out of it.

JL: Yeah, see what I like about it? They don’t know either.

WW: Now.

JL: Now?

WW: Now.

PD: Well, this is about my pal, Mr. Abercrombie Fafufnik. Fafufnik’s walking down the street and he saw his friend Goldberg. He says, “How are you, Goldberg? Hey!” Says, “You’re looking very honky-tonky. You’re looking snappy.” He says, “Pardon me,” he says, “did you heard the news?” Goldberg says, “No. What news?” He says, “You didn’t heard the news? Ah, let me tell you.” Said, “I’m in a new business now. Oi, it’s wonderful.” He says, “I go around to all the places. I buy up all the stale bagels, and with the summer coming on I sell them to midgets for life preservers. I’m making a fortune. I’m laughing on the inside with the profits on the black side. I’m having a… It’s wonderful. I don’t owe nobody nothing.” So Goldberg says, “So you’re a success. Alright. That’s fine. You’re a success. But listen the way you talk. ‘I don’t owe nobody nothing.’ Is that English?” Says, “Well, what’s it sound like? Portugoozie or something? Certainly that’s English.” He says, “No, no, no.” He says, “You don’t understand. The trouble with you, Fafufnik: you ain’t got any grammar at all. You split your infinitives and you leave the participles danging and you always use two negatives. Now, don’t forget.: two negatives make a positive, but two positives can’t make a negative.” Fafufnik said, “Is that so?” He said, “Is that so?” He says, “Well, Mr. Got-a-Diploma-Hanging-on-the-Wall-Should-Cover-Upt-the-Crack-in-the-Plaster,” he says, “I’ll prove to you,” he says, “two positives can make a negative.” Goldberg says, “How can you prove two positives make a negative?” He says, “Because,” he says, “this morning I asked my wife if I could go out tonight and play pinochle with the boys, and all she said was, ‘Yeah, yeah?’”

WW: …knew it’s worth a thousand, Peter. Top of the Kirkman laugh meter that time, which automatically gives Mr. Gus twenty-five dollars, and sends you boys just out for the soap and laughter, and let’s see. I have a choice between the senator and Harry Hershfield this time. I’ll take the senator. He’s further away.

SF: Well, little Oscar Fotzengoggle said to his papa, he said, “Papa, Papa, what part of speech is mother-in-law? Papa, what part of speech is mother-in-law?” And the old man said, “Mother-in-law is not part of speech. She is all of it.”

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Doesn’t top Mr. Gus’ 1000, however, and, Harry, now take your crack at it, huh?

HH: Teacher’s having a grammar lesson, so she says to Tommy, “I’ll spell out words, and I want you to give me what the pronunciation is. What is P-I-P-E-S? What is that?” He says, “I don’t know.” Says, “You don’t know what P-I-P-E-S is?” Says, “No.” She says, “What runs from your kitchen down to the basement?” He says, “Our cook, Lena. She’s crazy about the janitor.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Alright, Harry. Tying once again Mr. Gus’ 1000, but he still retains his twenty-five clams, so…

JL: Yeah, I just thought of one, Ward.

WW: How about you, Joe?

JL: Mr. And Mrs. Epstein are before the judge and the judge says, “What is it you want?” He says, “I want a divorce,” he says, “for my wife here.” And he says, “What’s the reason?” He says, “She’s nagging me all the time. Nagging, nagging, nagging. Morning noon and night.” He says, “In what way?” He says, “Every little word I say. I open up my mouth, she says, ‘Shut up! Shut up!’” “I don’t always say, ‘Shut up! Shut up!’ Sometimes I say, ‘Keep quiet, you weasel.’”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: We’d like to ask the audience now to join “Can You Top This?” again next week at the same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie whoop-whoop

PD: Peter Donald

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host Roger Bower saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.